While dirty talk seems to roll off the tongue for some people, many of us freeze up at the moment, half-naked, blurting out something we heard on Pornhub. Not a tragedy, but . . . could be better.
Not to worry - we got you, boo. You certainly don’t have to be a wordsmith. You just have to get in the moment. Here's some tips to help you do just that.
When you hear it from someone you feel intensely attracted to, dirty talk can be such a turn on it almost does the job on its own. Mix it with physical touch and you have one powerful erotic combo.
Dirty talk stimulates and engages your imagination, thought, and hearing. When people describe the brain as an erogenous zone, this is what they mean. Language bridges the gap between your fantasies and your reality. If you tend to shy away from dirty talk, you’re missing out—and we aim to fix that.
You’re feeling uninhibited—should you now say the absolute nastiest shit on your mind as soon as you get your clothes off? Maybe, and maybe not. Just like any kind of sex, dirty talk goes best when you start out on the same page. Don’t catch your partner off-guard during vanilla sex one day by screaming, “Spank me, daddy!” ten minutes in.
Instead, talk about talking dirty before or after a sexual encounter, while you're both somewhat aroused but still level-headed. That will get you on the same page and set boundaries where you need them. For some people, a certain word or phrase will instantly shut everything down. This is a good time to talk about what doesn’t work, as much as what does.
Sexting, phone sex, and facetime are all great ways to get more comfortable with dirty talk before you do it in person. When you’re naked and in the same room, it can feel inhibiting. But if you’ve already got a rapport going, it will be easy to transition into the bedroom
If you’re new to dirty talk, there’s no shame in starting slow – focus on using more subdued words (“I want to do it with you now”) before progressing to the more graphic (“I want to pull your hair and call you my bitch”). Think of dirty talk as a continuum of vulgarity. All levels work.
You may get to a point where dirty talk stops feeling hot and suddenly feels . . . not. Not every girl who wants to be called a slut likes being called a whore. That's totally normal.
It takes a little bit of experimentation to find out where yours (and your partner) is, so don’t shy away from incorporating new bed-talk into your routine. If you decide you need to be a pro before you ever get started, you’re actually more likely to make it awkward. Just know when to stop when it seems like nobody’s enjoying it – don’t go too much too soon.
If you're usually silent during sex, you'll need to get used to hearing yourself by making some noise. Remind yourself that you have to give in to the pleasures of rubbing your body against another, and get out of your head. Let yourself to breathe more heavily, or moan. If you feel too inhibited to express yourself with a few moans or a “yes, yes,” any kind of dirty talk is going to make you freeze.
When you’re new it’s helpful to plan a few phrases you can handle in advance. Better yet, practice saying these phrases when you're alone. On the drive to the dry cleaner’s, say, "I want to make you cum so bad" at a regular volume. As a bonus, it will improve your drive to the dry cleaner’s.
Start simple. Before you make the first move, tell your partner exactly what you want to do to them by whispering it in their ear.
Here’s a few examples you can throw in:
Pick one of your favorite fantasies, put it into words, and ask for it. Having the intention of “talking dirty” is probably the ideal way to tell your partner what will turn you on. If it feels dangerous to talk about, it may end up being that much sexier. But if you feel like your partner might find your fantasies a little bit beyond the pale, you can always talk about it over lunch.
And if you’re stuck for words, here are a few to inspire you:
Just talk about what you're feeling while it’s going down. Yes, it's that simple. Give moment-by-moment updates, like "that feels really good..." Not only are you tuning into your arousal, but you're also arousing (and validating) your sexual partner by sharing how good they're making you feel — a definite win-win situation. That kind of validation will make you both more comfortable exploring some of your wilder fantasies.
A few more examples freshmen can add to their repertoire:
Dirty talk isn't a one-man show! Get your partner involved. Ask them if they like what you're doing to them and ask them what they want. Watch as they get amped up by talking about what turns them on and enjoy the better sex that follows.
It’s okay if your mind goes blank – for a lot of people, sex can make you tongue-tied rather than chatty. Don’t start stressing out and filling the silence with whatever pops into your head! Keep it simple with phrases like, "That feels so good," and "What do you want me to do?" Or, you can also choose to focus on the physical side of things for a bit, relax, and let the words flow if and when you feel like it. Stay in the moment.
Talking dirty is fun, awkward, messy, hot, funny, and – everything in-between. It will build stronger chemistry between you and your partner, make your fantasies come alive, and most importantly, it will turn you on.
