BDSM 101 - A How-To for Beginners

BDSM is about much more than red rooms, chains, and whips. (And we don’t recommend reading Fifty Shades for tips.)

Here’s a beginner-friendly crash course in all things BDSM.

What is BDSM?

Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), and Sadism and Masochism (S&M). For some BDSM is a lifestyle and for others it’s just a kink, and for some BDSM isn’t exactly sexual at all.

As S&M as a category is pretty self-explanatory (the sadist derives pleasure from giving pain, while the masochist derives pleasure from receiving pain), here’s a deep-dive into the B&D and D&S activities:

Bondage and discipline

Even if they don’t seem like they should go together, Bondage and Discipline are two halves of a whole.

Bondage
Bondage involves the consensual tying, binding, or restraining of your partner. The purpose of the bindings can be for aesthetic, sensation, or sensual reasons – or all three.

• Erotic bondage – Any bondage used in sex is described as erotic bondage. Some people find the act of restraining or being restrained arousing by itself.
• Decorative bondage – This type of bondage doesn’t serve a specific function; it’s just aesthetically pleasing. Examples include harnesses, corsets, and rope bras, or panties.
• Predicament bondage – A form of bondage in which a person is restrained with the option of placing themselves in one of a pair of uncomfortable positions.

Now, what about bondage material? Just about any material that can be used to hinder or restrain a person’s movement can be used in bondage. That said, metal, leather, latex, cloth, or rope are the most common materials.

Discipline
Discipline is a form of mental restraint and can take many forms. Safe and consensual discipline requires a certain amount of training, self-control, obedience, willingness to follow the rules, and acceptance of authority. That's because 'bottoms' or 'submissives’ must be willing to do what they’re told, whenever they’re given a command. Failure to show obedience and, therefore, discipline results in consequences – often in the form of punishment.

Discipline can take several forms and can be sexual, service-oriented, or a combination of the two. Here are some examples of discipline:

• Mental bondage – The ability to assume a physical position and maintain it for a set amount of time or until permitted. Human furniture or art displays are examples of mental bondage.
• Rules – A form of discipline created to nurture and care for a ‘bottom’ or to help achieve personal goals. What to wear, when to go to bed, and how to address other people are examples of rules that could be put in place.
• Protocol – A manner of behavior to follow in specific situations, like addressing your Dominant only as ‘Ma’am’ or not speaking without permission.

Dominance and Submission

At its core, D&S - sexual or not – is all about consensual power exchange. One person, the Dominant, is given control while the Submissive gives control. Yes, note the word 'give.' Taking control without consent, as in the case of Fifty Shades, has no place in BDSM. Many people share the perspective that the sub has the ultimate authority. By using a “safe word,” they can stop the game altogether. They set the boundaries, and the dom plays a role in the game.

Also, while dominants and submissives are sometimes referred to as tops and bottoms, they aren’t the same. Anyone can be a top or a bottom in a BDSM sexual encounter. But Dominants and Submissives internalize those power exchange roles as part of who they are as people – in other words, D&S is essentially the epitome of the relationship between the two people involved. D&S acts aren’t always sexual.

What do I do before I try BDSM for the first time?

We suggest keeping these five things in mind:

• BDSM is rooted in pleasure – In a healthy BDSM relationship, both parties involved aim to please each other. Not only should everyone involved feel safe and cared for, but all parties must also have a deep understanding of the other's boundaries, comfort levels, and sexual interests. Therefore, be sure to communicate with your partner before starting on any BDSM play. Establish a safeword, set boundaries, talk about your fantasies.
• D&S is about trust – BDSM is all about placing your trust in another person. As we said, the Submissive is never truly out of control. Even when ‘forced’ to do something, the Submissive always has the option of backing out with exit or safe words.
• Consent, consent, consent –Skipping the consent discussion means you risk doing significant physical and emotional harm to others (plus yourself).
• Think about aftercare – After an intense sexual experience, you need to engage in some aftercare. What that is varies from couple to couple and group to group, but essentially aftercare means communicating and taking care each other after an experience, to make sure you both had a good time. It also helps to decompress from an intense experience. You can talk about what happened, apply lotion to sore spots, etc.
• You’re here to have fun – Even if it's your fantasy, you could feel silly playing it out - like the first few times you address your partner as ‘Sir,’ or ‘Ma’am.’ Don’t worry about it. BDSM is a form of roleplay, and roleplay is usually awkward at first. Keep it all in the spirit of adventure. As long as you’re having fun, you're doing it right!